Question for Betty.

I have been sexually active for about 3 years, and I haven't had an orgasm yet.  Is there something wrong with me?

Betty's Answer.

Dear Reader,

From your question I have no idea if you are female, male, bisexual, gay, straight, lesbian, or transgender.  And it really does matter.  When it comes to orgasm the average experienced woman takes 20 minutes of direct clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm.  The average male takes two to five minutes.

If you are female, you are not alone in having problems achieving an orgasm.  There is nothing wrong with you. I repeat, there is nothing wrong with you.  However, if you are under the impression that achieving an orgasm with vaginal intercourse is the norm, you are very mistaken.  Contrary to romantic novels and movies, most women need direct clitoral stimulation to achieve an orgasm.

I would recommend a book by Dorian Solot and Marshall Miller, I Love (symbolized by a heart) Female Orgasm.  Your fellow orgasmic students may have attended one of their presentations while they were at UAA in April 2008.  Another source of information is The Elusive Orgasm; A Woman's Guide to Why She Can't and How She Can Orgasm, by Vivienne Cass.

Tips for your first orgasm:  Start alone in exploring and enjoying your body, finding your sensual areas, and then start touching and stimulating those areas.  It is okay to masturbate!

Enjoy sex with your partner without making orgasm your goal.  Know that your ability to have an orgasm has nothing to do with whether or not you love them or enjoy sex with them.

Other factors which may get in your way of enjoying sexual pleasure are shyness, guilt about sex, a history of abuse or assault, body image issues, sex negative upbringing and fear of pregnancy or STIs.  May sex safe first.  Use birth control, condoms, dental dams, female condoms and good sense.  Know your partner and participate in consensual, sober, safe sex.

My advice is to continue to become informed about your own body.  Also, don't rush out to find a new partner, this one might just need healthy sex information also.