Question for Betty.
 
My boyfriend and I have awesome communication, we have a blast together and love each other more than anyone could ever imagine.  From time to time I feel REALLY insecure and feel as though he is doing something behind my back.  Sometimes he realizes that I'm searching for things in conversation to "attack" him with and the sad part is that I recognize that I'm almost ruining a good thing but can't stop myself.  We also fight a lot and sometimes we both feel like we have an unhealthy relationship, though we've never been violent, cheated, or lied to each other, etc.  The fights are really random but they happen A LOT.  How do you get out of constant fighting . . . after 4 years?  Is there a way? Or are we doomed?
 
Betty's Answer.
 
Thanks for your question.  You say you and your boyfriend have "awesome communication" but go on to say that you "fight A LOT."  Does your communication resolve the problem?  Do you each feel heard by the other person?  Do you communicate with each other in a way that is mutually respectful? Love and care are things that we do and practice in a relationship, not just something that we say, think, or feel.  It is normal and healthy to have disagreements in your relationship.  It can take time and energy to notice patterns of communicating and if they help or hurt your relationship.
Good for you for noticing your part in agitating the conflict in your relationship and being open to exploring alternatives.  You may want to consider reading about verbal and emotional abuse.  Power and control manifest in a variety of ways, not just physical violence.  We all find ourselves walking down a path of old behaviors, sounds like you would like to take the opportunity in this relationship to try something new.  Have you noticed what else is going on in your life when you feel the need to "attack?" What else could you do to take care of yourself until you calm down and can discuss your concerns with your partner in a respectful way? What have your tried?  Explore strategies for self care to insert a pause in the conflict so you can bring your best self to the table to resolve the problem.

There is a lovely book written by Dr. John Gottman called The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.  It is based on his research and provides quality information for nurturing a harmonious and long lasting relationship.  You ask "are we doomed?"  I have no idea.  I would encourage you to see ways in which this relationship has helped you grow and develop as a human and in relationships, even if you don't stay together.  If you do that, you will not be doomed, even if you don't end up together.